Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
