Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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