I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
