Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
