if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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