I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
