oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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