oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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