Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just puked most of my soul out..
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