Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
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I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
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Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize