I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
