Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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