Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
