Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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