I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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