i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
