i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
