I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
