I need help removing her.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
