Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
