just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
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You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
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I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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