So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
