so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
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Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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