He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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