dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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