gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
