when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
