i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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