Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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