Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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