She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
