I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
