there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
