Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
