Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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