New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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