If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
