so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
