tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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