On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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