...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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