Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
