You're my little dorito
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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