I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
What a dumb baby whore.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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