I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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