The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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