I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
