Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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