is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My pussy is not your playground.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
