if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
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they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
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But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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