Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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