I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize