I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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