Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i need some magic done to my vagina
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
