I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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