I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
